Every investor wants to hear a guru tell them he (or she) can make them money.

We all want to hear it’s easy. We all want to be told that there’s some method that can make us 20% a year.

And we’re willing to pay big bucks to get any information that might lead us to the holy grail of investing: year after year of blockbuster returns.

This is why we’re willing to buy the books, go the seminars, and pay thousands of dollars for newsletter subscriptions that are supposed to give us the answers.

But they never do.

Beware of those who tell you they can make you rich if you just listen to them.

Jim Cramer might come to mind- but I actually like Mr. Mad Money. He tells you you’ll have to work at it to get rich. And he doesn’t say he has all the answers. He makes investing fun. I’ve bought his books. They’re good reads.

But then there are others, like Lenny Dykstra.

Lenny who?

If you’re a baseball fan, you’ll recognize the name because Lenny Dykstra used to play outfield for the Philadelphia Phillies in the 1980-1990s. He’s retired now, but he’s reinvented himself as an investment guru, complete with his own column on TheStreet.com and now, apparently a $1000 a year newsletter.

What does Lenny Dykstra know about investing?

I have no idea.

But hey- he can make you rich, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great story to have a former athlete re-invent himself and actually be “good” at some other profession. Only, apparently, Lenny isn’t all that he seems.

But first- let’s look at the gushing. The New Yorker did a feature story on him in March 2008:

Improbably, he has since become a successful day trader, and he let me know that he owns both a Maybach (“the best car”) and a Gulfstream (“the best jet”).

Lesson #1: Stay away from an investment guru who tells you what kind of car he drives.

The man didn’t even use a computer until after 2003, but apparently he’s a stock picking genius:

“My approach in investing is much the same as my approach to hitting,” he wrote. “I would rather take a walk or single and reach first than shoot for a home run and strike out swinging.” According to The Street’s “Stat Book Scorecard,” Dykstra’s picks earned $183,650 on a hundred and three trades in an eight-month period last year.

“He had an Amgen trade,” Cramer said, referring to the biotech company. “It was like hitting the ball between the shortstop and the third baseman in a way that made me feel proud.”

He went on, “I have yet to meet anyone other than Lenny from the world of sports who was able to make the transfer so that they have something to say that has value added. Many sports figures have been successful salesmen, but I would most likely have hired Lenny at my hedge fund, back when I was doing that.”

Dykstra is now working on a book about investing, with the literary agent David Vigliano, whom he calls “the No. 1 book agent in the country.”

Lesson #2: Never invest in hedge funds that hire investment gurus.

But it gets better. Apparently Lenny wasn’t picking the stocks after all (at least not from the entire world of stocks.) According to a recent article in Forbes Magazine, Lenny was allegedly getting assistance from another stock analyst who had his own newsletter who provided Lenny with a list of stocks every morning.

Granted, Lenny still had to pick from those stocks for his own picks. But it doesn’t take an investment genius to do that.

From Forbes:

“At Dykstra’s insistence, Doubledown began negotiations to pay Richard Suttmeier, a stock analyst, to provide Dykstra with research assistance for the Dykstra Report and who, upon information and belief learned subsequently, provided Dykstra lists of recommended stocks daily.”

Who is Richard Suttmeier? A market strategist for financial Web site RightSide Advisors and formerly a contributor to RealMoney.com, a subscription Web site owned by TheStreet.com.

Suttmeier, 64, says he got his Wall Street start trading Treasurys in the 1970s. He later bounced around second-tier investment banks and landed at RightSide in 2006.

Suttmeier says that after he did a television appearance several years ago he received a call from Dykstra. “He wanted to learn how to read a [stock] chart,” Suttmeier says. “I taught him.”

The two men have kept in touch ever since. Suttmeier says Dykstra calls from time to time asking where to add to positions. Suttmeier also e-mails Dykstra a spreadsheet of stocks each morning but denies that he picks stocks for the former ballplayer.

“I am not his brain,” Suttmeier says. “Dykstra makes his own trading decisions.”

Lenny was going to charge $995 a year for his newsletter. Suttmeier charges $300 a year.

Lesson #3: Never pay $1000 a year for investment advice- especially from a guru.

What are you really getting anyway?

Hopes. Dreams. The lure of the holy grail.

Resist!

Save your money. The only “guru” you should know is Warren Buffett. You can get his advice for free every few months in interviews.

What will become of Lenny Dykstra, investment guru?

Stay tuned.

Did you cry this weekend over Tim Russert’s death?

I did. Several times.

It makes no sense, I know. I didn’t know the man. I never even glimpsed him on a Washington street (and having lived in Washington DC for numerous years-believe me- it’s not a big town. Ted Koppel, former host of Nightline, used to get his lunchtime sandwich where I got mine.)

So why am I so emotional about his passing?

I believe it goes to something we have discussed on this blog before: it’s about passion and greatness.

Who do you know that is passionate about something they do? Not about their children or their family- but about going to work every single day?

And who do you know that is also great at what they do- along with having that passion?

With Tim Russert, you could see the passion oozing from his very pores. Passion is attractive. People want to be around someone who is passionate. They want to hear what they have to say and watch what they do.

Why?

Because we rarely see it.

Just a few weeks ago, Mr. Russert’s passion was on full view on the night of the Indiana and North Carolina primaries when he said that Senator Obama would be the democratic nominee. This was well after midnight east coast time. Actually, if I remember correctly, it might have been after 1 am.

Yet, Mr. Russert didn’t look tired. His face still glowed.

Only a few hours later, literally, he was on the Today Show talking about the same thing with Matt Lauer. Did the man even sleep that night?

You got the feeling he was running on pure adrenalin- but he loved it! He loved every minute of it.

And therefore- so did we. You couldn’t help but get sucked in by his enthusiasm.

Who can say that every single day of their lives they are doing something they love?

That’s why I cried over his death. I loved watching the passion. Because it’s rare. And it’s rarely on display every single week (even if I only get it passively- by watching tv.)

Passionate people are many times “great” people- because they love what they do they’re usually pretty darn good at what they do. Funny how it works that way.

We’ve talked about greatness before.

Tim Russert was passion and greatness in his profession.

I celebrate his gifts and wait for the day when passion again returns to the news room.

Thank you, Tim Russert.

Crude is at record levels. Natural gas is over $10 mbtu. Which companies are making gobs of money right now?

The exploration energy companies.

Where are most of them located?

Houston (and, for some of the smaller independents, Louisiana.)

Go to any of the company websites, even of the small independents with 150 employees, and there is a virtual guarantee that there will be at least one job opening. And at the big boys like Conoco and Exxon? There are dozens of jobs.

And they pay good wages too.

I’m not saying your local Wal-Mart greeter would have the qualifications to do some of these jobs. Many require an engineering degree or other specialized skills.

But many do not.

Are you able-bodied and not afraid to get your hands dirty?

Do you have strong finance, accounting and human resource skills?

Houston has added 86,000 jobs in the past 12 months. From the AP:

In some cases, energy companies are having a hard time finding enough workers, particularly engineers. Last Sunday, the Houston Chronicle jobs section totaled 14 pages — BP, Occidental Petroleum Corp. and Plains Exploration & Production Co. among the advertisers.

But it’s not only oil and gas driving Houston’s economic engine.

Construction jobs rose nearly 5 percent in metro Houston on an annual basis in February, while manufacturing employment rose about 2 percent, according to the Texas Workforce Commission.

There is also the spillover effect from all of the wealth. Many of the small independents are going to have record years. What will they do with all the extra cash?

In some cases they’ll invest it in new wells and exploration. But the profits might be so big that they will be giving back to their employees.

Look at independent explorer Apache. They are headquartered in Houston and are hiring a few dozen in that location in all areas from finance and human resources to geology.

The company has long rewarded company employees for performance. In March, Apache announced that all company employees would be paid a special bonus in Apache stock.

People employed at Apache when the program began will receive shares equivalent to at least 50 percent of their annual salaries at that time; those hired later (but before July 1, 2007) will receive prorated awards. A total of about 2 million shares will be paid in four annual installments, providing a strong retention incentive.

The program began three years ago. So if you started in, say, 2004, and made $50,000 then, you’ll get $25,000 worth of stock.

Apache has 2,800 employees that will get at least part of the bonus.

Now THAT’S a stimulus check.

Houston last saw a big oil boom in the early 1980s and then it experienced a vicious bust. For now, the boom is on and the city is being cautious. Quietly, new oil millionaires are buying mansions in cash.

Is Houston the next Silicon Valley?

(In full disclosure, the writer of this article owns shares in Apache and is pleased to see the company rewarding its employees.)

I think I’ve talked in the past about the dearth of women as hedge fund managers. If I didn’t, then I’ll do a quick recap for you.

Women only make up 5% of all hedge fund managers.

A few months ago, when Warren Buffett was on CNBC, anchor Becky Quick asked him if any women were on the “short-list” for the top jobs at Berkshire Hathaway (those that would be in charge of investing the money.)

Nope. No women there.

No one should be surprised. Women are clearly in the minority in the investing world.

That’s what makes the announcement out of Harvard so encouraging.

Yesterday, they appointed Jane Mendillo, 49, as Chief Executive Officer of Harvard Management Co. She’ll be in charge of investing $34.9 billion. It’s the largest University endowment in the nation.

The job is widely regarded as among the most prestigious in fund management.

Ms. Mendillo who has two Yale degrees, including an MBA, has run Wellsley College’s investment fund since 2003. The fund has risen from $1 billion to $1.7 billion during her tenure (including gifts etc.) It has returned 13.5% after fees during that time.

From Bloomberg:

“She has the reputation as a savvy investor and she has 15 years of history with Harvard,” Harvard Treasurer James Rothenberg said in a telephone interview. “She has a great set of skills that we need. She has been involved for quite some time with asset allocations and endowments, and she has a real passion for the work that universities do.”

But apparently, women are making inroads among University endowments. From the NYTimes:

Ms. Mendillo, who was appointed after a six-month search, joins a growing number of women who are running some of the nation’s largest university endowments. Ten years ago, just 2 of the nation’s 25 largest endowments were run by women. With Ms. Mendillo’s appointment, that number has jumped to six. After appointing Drew G. Faust as president last year, Harvard now has women serving in two prominent posts.

That’s 24% women, which is certainly an improvement.

Maybe Ms. Mendillo will change some perceptions about women and investing. We hope so.